And behold, another sporadic blog post emerges from the ether. Or rather, the twisting glittery fog of my mind in between bouts of studying, giving my beleaguered brain a break from information retrieval systems and research methods so my poor, flaccid creative muscles have a chance to stretch instead. I've just finished another module and got cracking on another, speeding towards the dissertation and the gleaming finish line at the end of August.
As you might tell, I have a little problem. This week it hit me, not for the first time, that this Master's has taken over my life, hanging over everything I do and stopping me from doing everything I want to. Of course, this is what you sign up for; the whole point is that I'm studying to get qualified as a librarian, so I can go for the more exciting jobs and earn more money to do more fun things. I am immensely lucky that I get to do this, and it will lead to greater things. It's interesting stuff (most of the time!), and practical. It turns out, though, that a full time job, a masters, and a health condition leave little room for anything else. And when you are doing something else, that latest assignment is forever niggling in the back of your head, telling you that you should be doing that instead.
So, I realised this week that I've shoved aside all of my creative outlets, dedicating my evenings to a mix of studying, making dinner and Netflix. Over the years I have variously spent my free time playing saxophone, going to dance classes and band practice, singing in choirs and musical theatre, getting involved in youth and then student theatre and film, and writing, writing, writing. I don't do any of that now. My sax sits dusty in its case. Last month I went to the theatre for only the second time since I moved to Bristol, the first time in a year. I rarely meet new people unless it's at work. When would I have the time?
Don't think for a moment I'm an automaton, sat studying for hours every night slaving at my desk. I see my boyfriend at weekends and at least one night a week, I have a couple of friends I see every so often, my flatmate and I go out for dinner, meet at the pub or chill out in front of the TV with a feast from Deliveroo. I get lost in a book when I should be working on my assignment, or lengthen a study break by procrastinating on Twitter or watching another episode of something on Netflix.
It would just be better if I had more time to be creative, to let my weird and wonderful side run free a lot more in case I lose it. I described it to my boyfriend last night, worried, as a quarter-life crisis but I don't think it's that dramatic; I think it's a case of study fatigue, feeling a little overwhelmed, and needing to manage my time better. I'm one of many people doing the Master's thing, and I can't be the only one who goes through something like this, right?
I'm listening to: Felix Hagan & The Family - little confession, their music may have prompted this entire crisis. They're a rock and roll band who sing about chasing your dreams and desiring attention and embracing the wonderfulness of the weird, and it reminded me of the teenage Elfie who was going to run off to drama school and be an actor, writer and musician. Aside from that, this is the new band I've been searching for for so long - they are incredible, the songs are well written, I've been listening to them on repeat and dancing to them every chance I get. Fingers crossed they head my way for a gig soon!
I'm reading: This Is Going to Hurt by Adam Kay. I love medical memoirs and this one, written by a former junior doctor, is different from any I've read. I've never laughed out so much at a book in my life - in bed, on the train, in my lunch break - and yet there are moments of gut-punching sadness interspersed which keep it from being a straightforward funny book. He was an obstetrician, too, so as a midwifery librarian I felt smug knowing what he was on about before I read the footnotes.
As you might tell, I have a little problem. This week it hit me, not for the first time, that this Master's has taken over my life, hanging over everything I do and stopping me from doing everything I want to. Of course, this is what you sign up for; the whole point is that I'm studying to get qualified as a librarian, so I can go for the more exciting jobs and earn more money to do more fun things. I am immensely lucky that I get to do this, and it will lead to greater things. It's interesting stuff (most of the time!), and practical. It turns out, though, that a full time job, a masters, and a health condition leave little room for anything else. And when you are doing something else, that latest assignment is forever niggling in the back of your head, telling you that you should be doing that instead.
So, I realised this week that I've shoved aside all of my creative outlets, dedicating my evenings to a mix of studying, making dinner and Netflix. Over the years I have variously spent my free time playing saxophone, going to dance classes and band practice, singing in choirs and musical theatre, getting involved in youth and then student theatre and film, and writing, writing, writing. I don't do any of that now. My sax sits dusty in its case. Last month I went to the theatre for only the second time since I moved to Bristol, the first time in a year. I rarely meet new people unless it's at work. When would I have the time?
Don't think for a moment I'm an automaton, sat studying for hours every night slaving at my desk. I see my boyfriend at weekends and at least one night a week, I have a couple of friends I see every so often, my flatmate and I go out for dinner, meet at the pub or chill out in front of the TV with a feast from Deliveroo. I get lost in a book when I should be working on my assignment, or lengthen a study break by procrastinating on Twitter or watching another episode of something on Netflix.
It would just be better if I had more time to be creative, to let my weird and wonderful side run free a lot more in case I lose it. I described it to my boyfriend last night, worried, as a quarter-life crisis but I don't think it's that dramatic; I think it's a case of study fatigue, feeling a little overwhelmed, and needing to manage my time better. I'm one of many people doing the Master's thing, and I can't be the only one who goes through something like this, right?
I'm listening to: Felix Hagan & The Family - little confession, their music may have prompted this entire crisis. They're a rock and roll band who sing about chasing your dreams and desiring attention and embracing the wonderfulness of the weird, and it reminded me of the teenage Elfie who was going to run off to drama school and be an actor, writer and musician. Aside from that, this is the new band I've been searching for for so long - they are incredible, the songs are well written, I've been listening to them on repeat and dancing to them every chance I get. Fingers crossed they head my way for a gig soon!
I'm reading: This Is Going to Hurt by Adam Kay. I love medical memoirs and this one, written by a former junior doctor, is different from any I've read. I've never laughed out so much at a book in my life - in bed, on the train, in my lunch break - and yet there are moments of gut-punching sadness interspersed which keep it from being a straightforward funny book. He was an obstetrician, too, so as a midwifery librarian I felt smug knowing what he was on about before I read the footnotes.
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